The 15 Mavericks of Christmas

Isn’t it supposed to be bad luck when Christmas falls on a Friday? I’m pretty sure that guy who always wears a hockey mask and runs around with a chainsaw in his hands and murder in his heart is going to be doing his best to make this a Red Christmas. Nonetheless, ’tis the season to be jolly, and I won’t let my imminent grisly death stop me from coming up with a list of gifts I’d offer each of the 15 Mavericks players if we were to cross paths on this beautiful Christmas day. Merry Christmas to all!

Justin Anderson | Seat Cushion
The rookie hasn’t seen the floor much this season, but he sure has become intimately familiar with the bench. A seat cushion could really make things more comfortable for him.

J.J. Barea | Pet Shark
This would hard to wrap, but I think he’d really enjoy having such an exotic pet. If it happened to eat him, the Mavericks would probably not have to pay out the rest of his salary. Just kidding, J.J. I would never wish you dead, but hopefully you get a lot more use of Justin’s seat cushion than you have so far. You should name your pet shark Jaws.

Jeremy Evans | Generic Gift Card
I don’t feel like I’ve gotten to know Jeremy very well so far, so I’d have to go with the fail-safe: a gift card, maybe to Walmart or Amazon or something. I’d attach a nice little card about how we should get together some time so it didn’t feel so impersonal, but secretly I’d know it was never going to happen.

Raymond Felton | Gun Holster
I’ve been waiting for a chance to reference Felton’s gun-related arrest back in February of 2014 for a while now, and the opportunity has finally come. He can use this holster as a reminder that it’s better not to actually draw his weapon the next time his wife pisses him off. Well, not the same wife he allegedly pulled the gun on back then. They’ve since divorced for some strange reason.

Devin Harris | “NBA 2K16”
Devin’s a big fan of video games, and he claimed in a 2009 interview he wanted to fill his new house with old-school arcade game machines such as “Ms. Pacman” and “NBA Jam.” At the time, he wasn’t fond of how well the 2K developers had recreated his likeness, and how “jacked up” his jumper was in the game. Technology has come a long way since then, and he could stand to see it for himself, especially since he’s injured right now and probably has plenty of free time.

John Jenkins | Scrapbook
Now the oft-benched guard will finally have a place to store all those pictures from back when he led the team in scoring in the preseason. You know, when he actually got to play.

Wes Matthews | “Operation”
You remember that classic game for kids where you got to pull out organs with a pair of tweezers and it buzzed at you when you didn’t do it precisely enough? With Matthews coming off a major offseason surgery, it may prove cathartic for him to be on the other end of the scalpel. Plus, I feel like the YouTube video of Wes playing “Operation” would probably go viral.

JaVale McGee | “Skyrim”
I’m not sure how much patience ADHD sufferer JaVale McGee would have for video games, but if this Dragonborn nickname is going to stick, he needs to embrace it. He can start by getting a feel for the game that inspired the nickname — and by blocking more shots.

Salah Mejri | One-Way Airfare
After playing just 20 minutes in the team’s first 29 games, it’s pretty obvious Salah may as well just head back home to Tunisia. This ticket is only good for the coach section, by the way.

Dirk Nowitzki | Bratwurst
What to get the man who has everything? I have no idea, so it’s easier to fall back on German stereotypes.

Zaza Pachulia | Homemade Khachapuri
Oh come on, like you didn’t see this coming. Zaza is hungry for his native food, damn it!

Chandler Parsons | Portrait of Himself
Being such a handsome man, Chandler probably likes looking at himself more than he would care to admit. I’d bet he’s got a whole bunch of selfies on his smartphone right now, in fact. What I’d really love to do is hire the modern-day Leonardo da Vinci to paint a close-up of Parsons on his living room ceiling, but for now, a watercolor portrait will have to do.

Dwight Powell | Germany Shepherd Puppy
As puppies, German Shepherds are well-meaning, gigantic oafs who have boundless energy but lack the necessary training to fully utilize the breed’s vast potential. Yes, this is a metaphor.

Charlie Villanueva | Indoor Basketball Hoop
If Charlie insists on fancying himself a three-point specialist, maybe one of those indoor basketball hoops you hang over the top of a door can help him get it out of his system.

Deron Williams | Dartboard
This wouldn’t be just any dartboard, but rather one with Joe Johnson‘s face right in the middle of it. Playing for the Nets almost made Deron retire prematurely, but he’s certainly having a nice bounce-back season in Dallas. This gift could come in handy in the event he has some angst over all those isolation plays.

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