Obviously, I’ve really enjoyed reconnecting with basketball this year, and my inaugural season as a Mavericks fan has been full of excitement so far. When the season started in late October, I would have struggled to come up with the names of even 10 NBA players. Now, nearly six weeks later, I’m routinely scavenging through player stats, seeking out NBA blogs to read as I stuff a half-price sandwich from Walmart in my face, and even watching the occasional detailed breakdown from Coach Nick over at Basketball Breakdown.
My knowledge is still a work in progress, but bit by bit, the insider terminology and important advanced metrics are becoming second nature to me. I’d recommend basketball to anyone at this point, but I know people are always much better at making excuses than trying something new, so I thought I’d come up with a list of possible excuses and why they just don’t cut it with me.
You Still Haven’t Forgiven Germany
Okay, so maybe Dirk Nowitzki is just about exactly what Hitler had in mind when he tried to create a race of Aryan superheroes. In fact, if Hitler at his peak caught a glimpse into the future of Dirk playing basketball, he could have died happy, believing his plan had worked. He would have been so impressed that he would have spit on Max Schmeling’s battered face after a fight with Joe Lewis. First of all, it’s not fair to hold that against Nowitzki, and on closer inspection, I don’t think his eyes are even blue. I took the liberty of searching for Dirk pictures on Google (a regular occurrence these days anyway) and then zoomed in on a few, and it’s my opinion his eyes look brown. Now, when I actually asked Google what color his eyes were, I got all kinds of results, but the most trustworthy-looking one claimed they were gray. In any case, let your long-standing grudge against Germany go and allow yourself to experience the pleasure that comes with witnessing Dirk stare down a defender with his weird, gray eyes and sink a three right in his face.
You’re Too Busy Watching the Cowboys
Even Tony Romo comes to Mavericks games. Seriously, I saw him talking to D’Angelo Russell of the Lakers earlier this very season. Maybe bringing up Romo isn’t the best way to convert a Cowboys lover to Mavericks fandom, however, considering the sting of the recent injury still probably hasn’t subsided. Let’s be honest for a second, though: the Cowboys are 3-8 and the starting quarterback is done for the year. I know Texas has a reputation for being football-crazed, but stop that. Until I start a blog about an NFL fan experiment or start playing fantasy football like the rest of the entire fucking world, I’m going to have to insist I’d rather watch the kind of football the Europeans play. I wonder which kind of football Dirk prefers. That’s a serious question.
You’re a Rockets Fan
As much disdain as I have for those who can’t get into any sport besides football (American-style), I guess it’s probably worse to root for the Rockets. Everyone knows the Mavericks fans and Rockets fans hate each other, and that each offseason they all get together on a large, open Texas battlefield and fight to the death in some kind of North-South war much like the one that took place 150 years ago. If you’re currently a member of the South in that Civil War, study your history and realize you’re destined to lose. Stop watching the Rockets and make the switch to the other side. Even their own coach couldn’t stand them, so he took a page out of George Costanza’s playbook and tried to get himself fired. I presume it was not so he could go become the head scout of the Mets, but whatever his reasons were, he succeeded. If that doesn’t convince you, the fact that James Harden‘s beard will soon be so huge and ferocious that it’ll grow out of control like the plants Poison Ivy of “Batman” fame nurtures and randomly start attacking spectators should. You don’t want any part of that.
The Team Gave You a Restraining Order for Stalking One of the Mavericks Dancers
Okay, this is actually a pretty good excuse not to watch the Mavericks, creep. Leave Alexis, Amber, Ansley, Ashley, Ashley H, Elise, Emily, Emily V, Hayley, Hunter, Kassandra, Kathryn, and Lauren alone. Those are the only ones I could find on the website, but if there are other Mavericks dancers, leave them alone too. Also, is it wrong for me to think that listing their names like that makes them sound like reindeer? How much would it hurt the legend of Christmas if Santa were just some old man with a huge beard and a red suit who went around the world breaking into people’s houses on the night of Christmas Eve with a pack of professional dancers in tow? Why hasn’t Hugh Hefner thought of this?
You’ve Got Your Hands Full Raising Baby Squirrels
This is arguably the least likely of this list of excuses, but people come up with all kinds of hobbies, and they won’t hesitate to throw them at you if it means getting out of something. Squirrels are evil, and they’re assholes, except for that one who won the 2011 World Series for the Cardinals and pissed off Roy Oswalt. Once there are enough of them, they’ll rise up and take the world over just like the apes do in all those movies, mostly the ones in the “Planet of the Apes” series. You already knew that, though, didn’t you, squirrel lover? You’re trying to get on their good side before they come into power by raising them from babies to the hell-raising monsters they turn into later. Take the advice of Boston Celtics rookie Terry Rozier, who is on record as stating he doesn’t trust squirrels. You shouldn’t either. Stop raising your army of squirrels and watch the Celtics. Better yet, watch the Mavericks.